No doubt there are many phrases regularly quoted in your home. “If it’s not yours, don’t touch it.” “Think before you speak.” “It’s not done until it’s done right.” One of the concepts repeatedly quoted in my home and ministry is: “If your philosophy doesn’t work 100% of the time, you need a new philosophy.”

I spend a lot of time fleshing out the concept of “Failure Philosophies” with the families I counsel because it’s so incredibly valuable, but what is a Failure Philosophy?

Philosophy

This word refers to “why you do what you do.” It’s your motivation for your behavior. It’s the same as a worldview or belief system.

Failure

As the name implies, this philosophy is doomed to failure. It may currently be failing (and often is), or it’s guaranteed to fail sometime in the future. Therefore, “a Failure Philosophy is a belief system bound to destroy you.”

Psalm 14:1 illustrates a powerful failure philosophy, “The fool says in his heart, ‘There is no God.’” This belief affects everything the fool does. How he relates to people, how he works, how he eats, and how we vacations are motivated–-in part–-by the faulty philosophy that God doesn’t exist. And because of this worldview, the fool is likely to experience the following failures:

Present Failure

If we live any facet of our life rejecting God’s existence and authority, we’ll regularly fail. Proverbs tells us his work will fail, his relationships will fail, his money management will fail . . . everything will fail. Even if he experiences worldly “success” in these endeavors, God informs us in Proverbs 21:4 that the daily exploits of the unsaved are sin because—as Romans 8:7-8 teaches—unbelievers are fundamentally hostile to God and aren’t capable of pleasing Him.

Future Failure

If he continues believing the lie that God doesn’t exist, not only will he continue to fail in the future as he does now, but one day he’ll experience the ultimate destruction—an eternity in Hell.

So, how do we spot these philosophies in our homes? Here are the big three Failure Philosophies for which to look:

1. Inconsistent Philosophies

Inconsistent philosophies affect how I treat people in relation to other people. God expects me to love all people with the same love. I don’t get to love some more than others. But there are also more practical applications of this. 

In most private schools, teachers are allowed to have mobile devices, but the students are not. This is not inconsistent because the students and the staff aren’t functioning with the same level of responsibility and authority.

But what if one teacher were not allowed to have a mobile device, but fellow staff members were? This would likely be a sign of inconsistency if the rule were inappropriately applied.

However, that one teacher may have earned that discrimination had she neglected her work responsibilities due to YouTube! You may have to treat your children differently, but you need a solid, logical, biblical reason to do so.

The key is to intentionally question why you do what you do (philosophy). If you find yourself treating one of your children better than the other simply because you prefer one over the other . . . you’re destined for failure.

1. Hypocritical Philosophies

Hypocritical philosophies affect how I treat other people in relation to how I want other people treating me.

Imagine Person A says something unkind to Person B, so Person B hits Person A. When I ask “B” why he hit “A,” I generally hear something akin to “Well, he . . . .” followed by an engaging story filled with the awful things the other person did. So, I ask, “You thought it was okay to hit him for saying something unkind to you?” Often, the person will answer, “Yes.”

So, then I ask, “Then what does he get to do to you because you hit him? If you get to hit him in the arm because he spoke words you don’t like, then does he get to kick you in the face because you hit him in the arm? And then what do you get to do to him then? How about burning all his clothes? But then, because you burned all his clothes—if we’re going to use your philosophy of life—I suppose it’s okay for him to kill your dog.”

It doesn’t take too much of this for him to see that he doesn’t want the other guy using his own reasoning against him. He also quickly sees that there’s no end to such conflicts. If we really live that way, everyone would be dead! It’s easy to emotionally justify retaliation in the moment, but it’s so flawed. 

But what about us parents? How many times do we justify doing wrong because, “I’m the parent”? It’s okay for us to raise our voices when we don’t like what’s going on? It’s okay for us to swear, drink, smoke? It’s okay for us to watch movies we wouldn’t let our children watch? It’s okay for us to act emotionally? It’s okay to sneak snacks, misuse God’s Word to get what we want, speed, doze off in church, be lazy, and forget to do something you promised you were going to do?

You see, if we’re honest with ourselves, if “what’s good for the goose isn’t good the gander” then you may be living a Failure Philosophy.

Of course, there are plenty of instances where subjectivity sneaks into this category as well. I’m allowed to drive a car; my seven year old isn’t. It’s okay for me to have a phone that I use to glorify God even though my porn-watching teen isn’t allowed to have one. The key is to not to excuse sin in our lives as we condemn it in others.

1. Delusional Philosophies

Delusional philosophies affect how I respond to God’s absolute truth. If all things are as God says they are, I need to trust His Word.

It doesn’t matter how good you feel about it, how “well” it worked in the past, or how planned out it is, the idea that it’s okay for me to steal is a Failure Philosophy because God has clearly outlined why stealing is wrong.

For the same reason, laziness at work, provocative parenting, gluttony, worry, gossip, lust, and unkind speech are also wrong. And participating in those things shows that we’re delusional enough to think we can sin and not be held accountable!

This category includes both the Inconsistent and Hypocritical Philosophies. If I’m being inconsistent or hypocritical, I’m deluded if I think life will work.

Do we think it’s okay to “follow our hearts?” Does it glorify God to eat whatever we want whenever we want? Does God have limits on how and for what we spend our money? Is it okay to be a “Closet Christian?” Is church attendance really optional? Is Darwinian evolution a Christ-honoring belief? Is it unimportant the kind of music to which we listen?

Conclusion

Rooting out Failure Philosophies is something we’ll have to do with ourselves, our spouses, our children, our friends, our coworkers, and our strangers all of the time. It’s the foundation of evangelism and discipleship. It’s the core of our relationship with God—will I choose to believe what He says or reject His Truth?

Remember, God’s philosophies are the only ones that are guaranteed to succeed. Every idea or thought or dream or belief in our family that contradicts God’s reality is doomed to failure. Take some time this week to help your family see life the way God does and root out those Failure Philosophies.