Emotional blackmail is a weapon that is all too often wielded by those who call themselves Christians. It’s brandished in the home, in politics, the workplace, and in the church. John Piper rightly observes, “Emotional blackmail happens when a person equates his or her emotional pain with another person’s failure to love. They aren’t the same. A person may love well and the beloved still feel hurt, and use the hurt to blackmail the lover into admitting guilt he or she does not have. Emotional blackmail says, ‘If I feel hurt by you, you are guilty.’ There is no defense. The hurt person has become God. His emotion has become judge and jury. Truth does not matter. All that matters is the sovereign suffering of the aggrieved. It is above question. This emotional device is a great evil.”

Emotionally blackmailing another involves expecting them to act differently because they hurt the blackmailer’s feelings. If the “guilty” party doesn’t stop doing what the blackmailer deems inappropriate, the blackmailer reserves the right to punish the one who hurt her. In essence, the blackmailer is communicating, “Because you don’t love me, or because you did something insulting, I am now experiencing emotional pain.” That’s the secret. They claim, “You hurt me. You wounded me. You abused me.” As Piper acknowledged, the blackmailer’s assumption is that the offender is absolutely guilty. “You need to stop doing that to me. You’re not allowed to treat me like that . . . or else.” The “sin” is thrown into the other person’s face (“you abused me emotionally”) and then the blackmailer threatens to slander the offender, divorce her, withhold facets of the relationship, and so much more.

“But doesn’t a sinner deserve consequences for his sin? If someone hurts another’s feelings, isn’t she deserving of punishment?” First, if someone truly were wicked and unloving, God expects that person to be biblically rebuked and reproved and admonished and corrected. The sinner must be held responsible for her sin. She needs to confess her iniquity and repent. However, the one who was sinned against still has the responsibility to glorify God. For this reason, second, Christians are not allowed to respond sinfully when others sin against them. The Bible is abundantly clear that Christians are to love their enemies, they are to forgive those who hurt them, and they are to be merciful and gracious. Being sinned against doesn’t give a Christian the permission to slander and abuse and manipulate the sinner. Third, it’s entirely possible that the perceived abuser didn’t sin at all. People hated Jesus when He spoke the truth to them. Were they alive today, the Pharisees would definitely claim that Jesus weaponizes His beliefs, triggers people, offends people, and commits hate crimes against them when He simply tells them the loving truth. Piper’s quote spoke to this as well. He said, “A person may love well and the beloved still feel hurt and use the hurt to blackmail the lover into admitting guilt he or she does not have.” So, sin is wicked regardless of who’s committing it. There’s no excuse, no defense, there is only liability to God. But regardless of whether the accused was right or wrong, the main consideration today is how to avoid the temptation to emotionally blackmail others and how respond to it when others blackmail them.

Christians can avoid the temptation to emotionally blackmail others by recognizing that emotional blackmail is an abomination. It grows out of selfishness and self-worship. In James 4:1-4, James reveals that arguing and fighting are motivated by unfulfilled desires which are a result of idolatry; he calls it spiritual adultery. People do what they do because they want what they want. They want what they want because they are either worshipping God or themselves. When someone elevates his feelings above God’s commands, he is making himself an enemy of God. Piper said, “The hurt person has become God. His emotion has become judge and jury. Truth does not matter. All that matters is the sovereign suffering of the aggrieved. It is above question. This emotional device is a great evil.” It’s not only a great evil to emotionally blackmail when the individual has not been sinned against, but it’s also equally a great evil when the individual has been sinned against. Why is it so wrong? Because God has clearly communicated how His people are to respond when others do what they don’t like, and emotional blackmail is never appropriate. Deuteronomy 32:35, Romans 2:19, and Hebrews 10:30 all declare that vengeance belongs to God and God alone. Emotional blackmail is not an appropriate part of reproof, rebuke, or admonishment.

Therefore, it should be clear that Christians must never employ emotional blackmail, but how ought Christians to respond when they are the recipient of emotional blackmail? First, they must see it for what it is. If what the Christian said or did were accurately and consistently shown in the Scriptures to be righteous and good, they don’t have to take responsibility for someone else’s wrong response to it. Feminists will hate believers for standing against abortion. Atheists will hate Christians for sharing the Gospel. Sinners will hate the righteous for speaking truth in love. Unbelievers hate God; they will hate His people. They may get angry or choose to feel depressed and anxious because of what they heard . . . but none of that is the Christian’s fault. 

Second, the believer must speak truth in love. God’s people must respond to the sin of emotional blackmail the exact same way Christians are to respond to any other sin. They need to biblically reprove the blackmailer by showing them from the Scriptures that their blackmailing is a sin. The blackmailer will have to see that they are trying to steal God’s job and elevating their feelings over His decrees. This process will also involve explaining how what the accused did was actually pleasing to the Lord. Of course, no one should call something righteous that is a sin. All God’s people must be careful to biblically represent their actions without misrepresenting the Bible. If what the accused did was right and good, he will have to show the accuser from the Bible how it pleased the Lord. However, speaking truth in love will also cause God’s people to confess and ask for forgiveness even when the blackmailer responded incorrectly to actual sin in the believers’ lives. The blackmailer may be sinning with their emotional blackmail, and the faithful son or daughter of God doesn’t have to carry that burden, but God’s people do have to carry the burden of their own sin, admit to it, submit to the Lord, and repent.

Emotional blackmail is always a sin, and God’s people should never employ it. They must accept the hard truths that feel like the “wounds of a friend” (Proverbs 27:6), and they need to trust God to protect them from the sins of others. But the Lord also wants to remove the burden that sinful blackmail demands. God’s people are not responsible for another’s choosing to respond in sinful ways. Those who speak truth in love are Christ-honoring whether the recipients like it or not.

More From Striving for Eternity

If you want more information on studying the Bible and how to interpret it correctly, check out the store section at strivingforeternity.org/store. There are tons of resources to help you get started on your journey to interpreting the Bible better. Also, invite Andrew Rappaport and Aaron M. Brewster to come to your church and teach you biblical interpretation with their Biblical Interpretation Made Easy Seminar. Andrew Rappaport, Aaron M. Brewster, and other guests on Apologetics live would also enjoy answering your questions on the live show on Thursdays from 7pm–9pm CST with the link to the stream yard at strivingforeternity.org/apologeticslive. Lord bless you and strive to make today and eternal day for Christ Jesus.