LifeWay’s New Service For Pulpiteering Greatness (Regrettable Satire)

Written by Bud Ahlheim

Bud may be followed on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/gobudley or on Twitter @gobudley

June 30, 2021

LifeWayIf You’ve Got A Microphone, We’ve Got A Sermon

Lifeway, the publishing arm of the Southern Baptist Convention, has recently announced a new service targeting preachers and those who wish to play one on Sunday mornings.  The “LipSyncing Litton” Sermon Scripting Service will be a subscription-based service that provides ready-to-preach sermon transcripts from contemporary and past pulpiteers.  “If you’ve got a microphone, we’ve got a sermon.”

This Carries Rick Warren’s Seal Of Approved Pragmatism

As Rick Warren, father of the SBC’s long-running “Building A Church For Fun and Profit” church growth campaign, has stated:

“As Ecclesiastes tells us, there’s nothing new under the sun.  Plagiarism is not new under the sun, and neither is sermon plagiarizing.  So pastor, your first job isn’t to waste all those hours in the study toiling to put together a sermon week after week after week.  Your first priority is to be the Lord’s Day communicator your people can be proud of. The really good communicators use good resources wherever and however they can be found.  It’s all God’s Word just like it’s all God’s world.  Make your world of worship one that energizes your oratory with tried and tested and previously preached messages that will draw the crowds, enchant the pews, and have folks lined up at the baptistry.”

Ed Litton

Photo H/T Rod Martin via Facebook

A Special Bonus For Ordering Today!

That’s what the LipSyncing Litton Sermon Scripting Service is all about.  Leave the heavy lifting to others.  Subscribe today and Lifeway will throw in an entire Easter Sermon package, complete with a Dolby-digital, high-res video featuring a Calvary tune choreographed and “sung” by Milli Vanilli.  The Easter package also includes vibrant, DaVinci Golgotha art bulletin inserts and giving envelopes, as well as pew party favors, including cuddly, plush bunny toys for the kids and cross-themed souvenir coffee cups for your lobby baristas to provide on that special Sunday.

But Wait!  There’s More!

Subscribe now and get a free copy of President Ed Litton’s new book, “Your Best Life Now: 7 Shortcuts To Living Your Full Potential.”

Be A Pulpit Pirate Just Like Our President

This new service comes as a result of the recent 2021 SBC Convention campaign to “Take The Ship.”  Under the leadership of Ed Litton, who has proven to be among the very best pulpit pirates in all the Cooperative Program, the SBC will sail into a year-long emphasis of “sermonizing in community” by providing consistent content reproduced by a team of talented stenographers plagiarizing from the best, brightest, and wittiest communicators inside and out of the SBC.  As James Merritt has said, “If more preachers were as concerned about the quality of their pulpit performance as they were about their Twitter posts and juvenile sock selfies, we would pack more people in the pews for Jesus tomorrow.  This new Lifeway service will let them do just that.”

This Service Is Fully CRT Compliant

Plus, if you’re as concerned about racial reconciliation as the culture and the SBC expects you to be, remember what Ed Litton himself famously said, “I dream of the day when people are not judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character.”  If you want to be judged favorably by your people, then be judged by the character of your pulpit performance.  Subscribe to this new service today!  Skip the study and start striding to the stage armed with the pre-scripted strength of sermons that have been preached, polished, and performed by others but that have been strategically and intentionally pilfered for you by Lifeway.

Take The Ship!

So this year, “Take The Ship, Be A Pulpit Pirate.”  Let Lifeway’s limelight of pragmatic purloining lead you to pulpiteering greatness.  It’s not talent on loan from God, it’s preaching stolen FOR God.

For you from Lifeway, fueling ministry by siphoning sermons … because we can “be better together.”

(Umm, yeah … in case it’s not obvious, the above article is totally satire.  It may sound like real life, but that’s the SBC’s fault, not ours.)

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